How to handle commitment issues in a relationship
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Learn what commitment issues are, including 7 signs to help you spot them. Plus, how to deal with commitment issues (yours or someone else's) in relationships.
If you’ve ever felt yourself (or someone you’ve been seeing) avoiding serious relationships, hesitating to make long-term plans, or even experiencing anxiety when things start to get more serious with a person, these may be signs pointing to commitment issues.
Commitment issues aren’t one-size-fits-all. They can look different in every relationship and every person. Some people who have commitment issues are able to use the term “partner,” but they may hesitate to take next steps like moving in together, meeting the family, or marriage. Others may be reluctant to use committed terms like “boyfriend,” “girlfriend,” or “partner,” and may even hesitate to make plans too far into the future.
These feelings of hesitancy to commit might come from a fear of getting hurt, losing independence, or just not being ready for the next step. Commitment issues are often rooted in past experiences, traumas, or personal fears. And while they’re tricky to navigate and can even be hurtful, they can be worked through to get to a healthier, more stable relationship.
What are commitment issues, really?
Commitment issues consist of difficulty forming long-term relationships or making lasting commitments. People with commitment issues might avoid serious relationships or shy away from making promises that require long-term involvement, like moving in together, getting married, or even just agreeing to attend an event too far into the future. This hesitation may be from a fear of losing independence, being vulnerable, or getting hurt. It could also be rooted in your attachment style, which makes it more common to avoid emotional closeness.
Commitment issues can affect any type of relationship, like feeling hesitant to take the next step in a romantic partnership, avoiding getting vulnerable within your friendships, or even saying yes to long-term work commitments.
7 signs someone has commitment issues
While some signs of your partner having commitment issues could be easy to spot, there are other signs that may not be as noticeable. Looking out for the signs of commitment issues can help you understand what’s really going on in a relationship. They can also help you decide if a relationship with a person with commitment issues is right for you.
1. Avoiding labels: If the person you’re seeing is shying away from terms like “boyfriend,” “girlfriend,” or “partner,” they may have commitment issues. They might say they don’t like labels or that they’re just going with the flow, but they might really be trying to keep things from getting too serious. While avoiding labels works for some people, it probably won’t work for those seeking commitment.
2. Frequent breakups and makeups: Pulling away when the relationship starts to deepen, only to return after some time apart, is a clear sign that the person you’re seeing has trouble with commitment.
3. Lack of future planning: Changing the subject when you bring up moving in together, or any other long-term goals, can also be a sign they’re not ready for a serious commitment. Even talking about things like next year’s holidays or upcoming life events may make them uncomfortable and want to pull away.
4. Emotional distance: Struggling to open up about their feelings, share personal details, or be vulnerable with you is another sign their emotional capacity for connection isn’t strong. A lack of vulnerability and honest sharing can make it hard to build a deeper connection with a person, which is an essential part of a committed relationship.
5. Inconsistent behavior: Switching from being incredibly affectionate and attentive to seeming distant or uninterested is a telltale sign of a person struggling to commit. This behavior may reflect an internal conflict of craving the closeness with another person, while fearing it at the same time.
6. Hesitation to introduce you to important people: Avoiding introducing you to friends and family may be a way that this person is keeping things from becoming too serious. The thought process here is that it’s harder to remove yourself from a person’s life if their connections are intertwined with yours. Because of this, people with commitment issues tend to keep their friends and family separate from the people they’re romantically involved with.
7. Keeping their options open: Maintaining a presence on dating apps or flirting with others, even if they’re in a relationship with you, is a behavior people with commitment issues engage in so they can keep their options open. This behavior, while toxic and hurtful, may also be a tactic used to gain approval or validation and is often rooted in insecurity.
How to deal with your commitment issues
Dealing with commitment issues can feel like a heavy burden. This is especially true if you care about your partner but feel hesitant or anxious about things getting serious. Luckily, commitment issues are something you can work through with a little self-reflection and a few strategies.
Identify the root cause
Reflect on your past experiences and emotions to understand why you’re feeling the way you do. Were you hurt or betrayed in a past relationship? Did you grow up in a household of unstable relationships? Maybe you fear losing your independence? Take some time to figure out the reason behind your fears.
Communicate openly with your partner
Talk honestly about your feelings with your partner. This can be scary, especially if you’re used to keeping these feelings to yourself. But, sharing your fears and concerns can help your partner understand what you’re going through and reassure them that your hesitations aren’t about them. Learn five tips tips for embracing vulnerability, which can help you be open and honest with those you love.
Take small steps toward commitment
Instead of jumping into big commitments, take smaller steps that feel more manageable. For example, if moving in together feels overwhelming, start by spending more time at each other’s places, or talk about what moving in together would look like without making any immediate plans.
Gradually build up to bigger commitments to help you feel more comfortable.
Challenge your negative thoughts
Sometimes, commitment issues stem from negative thoughts or fears that aren’t entirely based on reality. You might find yourself thinking, “What if this relationship doesn’t work out?” or “What if I’m making a mistake?” Challenge these thoughts by focusing on the positives in your relationship. It’s okay to feel scared, but don’t let fear make decisions for you. Learn how to reframe negative thoughts into more positive ones.
Practice self-compassion
Be kind to yourself as you work through your feelings. This process can be difficult, so take your time. Don’t pressure yourself to fix every negative thought or solve every problem immediately. It’s also important to recognize your progress, even if it’s small. This can be achieved through a gratitude practice — here are ways to practice self-compassion.
Seek professional support
If your commitment issues feel overwhelming or are rooted in deep fears or past trauma, talk to a therapist. They can help you explore your feelings, understand the causes of your commitment issues, and find strategies to manage them. Therapy can be especially useful if you’re struggling to make progress on your own, or if your commitment issues are causing significant stress in your relationship.
Focus on the present
Instead of getting caught up in what might happen, enjoy the here and now with your partner. This can help reduce anxiety about the future and make it easier to take things one step at a time. Plus, practicing present moment awareness can help with decision-making, as well as reducing anxiety about what we don’t know.
7 ways to mindfully handle someone with commitment issues
If your partner has commitment issues, it can be challenging to navigate the relationship without feeling frustrated, hurt, or confused. But, with some patience, empathy, and a thoughtful approach, you can help your partner work through their fears while also taking care of your own needs. This can help you cultivate a stronger and more fulfilling relationship in the long run.
1. Give your partner space when they need it
It can be tempting to push for more closeness or commitment, but pressuring your partner might cause them to pull away even more. Instead, respect their need for space and allow them time to process their feelings.
You don't have to accept emotional distance forever. But giving them the room to breathe can help reduce their anxiety about commitment.
💙 Develop Understanding in this 10-minute guided exercise with Tamara Levitt to help you accept whatever life throws your way.
2. Encourage them to communicate openly and honestly
Let your partner know it’s okay to share their fears, concerns, and thoughts. When they do open up, listen carefully and try to understand where they’re coming from without judgment. You don’t have to agree with everything they say, but practicing empathy and showcasing understanding can help build trust between the two of you.
💙 Sharpen your listening skills and help others truly feel heard with Daily Jay’s Supportive Listening meditation.
3. Set clear boundaries for yourself
While it’s important to be patient and understanding, it’s just as important to take care of your own needs, too. Think about what you need in the relationship to feel happy and secure, and communicate those needs to your partner so you don’t lose yourself in trying to accommodate your partner’s fears.
For example, you might say, “I understand you need time to feel comfortable with commitment, but I also need to feel that we’re moving forward in some way.”
💙 Learn how to communicate your needs and set boundaries with help from The Daily Trips’ A Secret to Better Boundaries guided exercise.
4. Focus on enjoying the present moment
Instead of constantly thinking about where the relationship is headed, enjoy the moments you share together. This can help reduce pressure and make it easier for your partner to feel comfortable with a future together. Check out these seven tips on living in the present moment to get started.
💙 Take some time to cultivate present moment awareness with Tamara Levitt’s guided meditation, Returning to Now.
5. Offer gentle reassurance when your partner needs support
Without overwhelming your partner, offer consistent reassurance about your feelings for them. Let them know you’re willing to work through things together at a pace that feels right for both of you. This may help them feel more comfortable with commitment.
💙 Practice extending love and kindness to your partner in times of need with the help of the Nurturing Relationships meditation.
6. Encourage your partner to seek therapy
If their commitment issues are causing significant strain in the relationship or are rooted in deeper fears or past trauma, suggest they talk to a therapist. They can provide your partner with the support they need to work through their issues.
7. Be patient, but know your limits and respect your own boundaries
Be patient, but don’t feel you have to wait indefinitely or sacrifice your own happiness for the sake of the relationship. If your partner’s commitment issues are preventing the relationship from progressing in a way that meets your needs, it might be time to reassess whether the relationship is right for you.
💙 This short meditation can help you learn to be patient with others by cultivating more Patience with yourself and your own life first.
Commitment issues FAQs
How can I tell if my partner has commitment issues or is just not interested?
It can be tough to distinguish between commitment issues and a lack of interest. The key difference often lies in the underlying feelings that may or may not be shared.
Someone with commitment issues may care deeply about you but struggle with fear or anxiety about the relationship becoming too serious. If your partner avoids labeling the relationship, making plans, discussing long-term goals, or switches between intense affection and pulling back, they might be dealing with commitment issues.
However, if your partner seems indifferent to spending time with you, rarely makes an effort to see you, or doesn’t seem to care about the relationship’s direction, they may not be as invested as you are.
Express your feelings and ask your partner about theirs. Their response can give you a better understanding of whether their behavior stems from commitment issues or a lack of interest.
What are some common triggers for commitment issues?
Commitment issues can be caused by a variety of triggers:
A history of failed relationships—whether their own or those they witnessed growing up—can create a fear of repeating the same patterns.
Growing up in an environment where relationships were unstable or ended painfully can cause a fear of committing to avoid potential heartache.
Settling down or making a long-term commitment can feel like giving up freedom, hobbies, or personal space for people who value their independence or who've been single for a long time.
Insecurities, like feeling unworthy of love or fearing they won’t live up to their partner’s expectations, can make the idea of a serious relationship feel overwhelming.
Can commitment issues be resolved on their own over time?
Commitment issues can sometimes improve on their own as someone becomes more comfortable and secure in the relationship. As trust builds and the relationship deepens, the fears may begin to fade if the commitment issues are mild or mostly come from fear of the unknown. But, this isn’t always the case, especially if the issues are deeply rooted in past trauma or strong fears.
For many people, overcoming commitment issues requires self-reflection, open communication with their partner, or support from a therapist. Ignoring the problem and hoping it goes away on its own can sometimes lead to worse issues, so address these feelings directly and take steps to work through them.
What should I do if I’m dating someone with commitment issues?
Dating someone with commitment issues can be challenging, but it’s important to approach the situation with empathy and understanding.
Start by having an open, honest conversation about their fears and concerns. Let them know you’re willing to be patient and work through these issues together, but also communicate your own needs and boundaries. Balance giving your partner space with ensuring your own emotional needs are met.
Focus on enjoying the present and building a strong foundation in your relationship without putting too much pressure on the future. Encourage them to seek therapy, if they're open to it.
If, after all your efforts, the relationship isn’t moving forward in a way that works for both of you, you may need to reassess whether the relationship is right for you.
Are there different types of commitment issues?
Commitment issues can show up in different ways, depending on the person and their specific fears or concerns. For some, commitment issues might be strictly about romantic relationships. But others find their commitment issues extend to friendships, work commitments, or even personal goals.
Some people might have what’s called an anxious or avoidant attachment, where they fear getting too close to others and avoid deep emotional connections. Others might fear failure or rejection, which makes the idea of committing to anything—whether a relationship, a job, or a life decision—feel too risky.
Calm your mind. Change your life.
Mental health is hard. Getting support doesn't have to be. The Calm app puts the tools to feel better in your back pocket, with personalized content to manage stress and anxiety, get better sleep, and feel more present in your life.
Images: Getty
