How to be more assertive in your life (and why it's important)
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA
Feel like you get walked over and want to learn how to speak up and create firmer boundaries? Let's explore 10 tips for how to be more assertive and why it matters.
Have you ever been in a situation where you're bone tired and overworked, and run into a friend who says, “It’s been ages! Dinner tomorrow? No excuses!” And then you find yourself reluctantly agreeing to it even though in your head, you’re thinking, “I’m so tired. All I want is a quiet night in.”
Sometimes, it feels easier to agree to something rather than hurt anyone’s feelings. But the truth is, the person you're really hurting in the long run is yourself. If you’re constantly trying to please others, you're most likely going to start feeling frustrated and probably even grow resentful, and that’s no good for anyone involved.
Most of us know that if we’re more assertive and genuinely express what we need and want without guilt, life would be so much better. But that’s a lot easier said than done.
Assertiveness can feel unnatural, overwhelming, and even like you’re being mean at first. But really you’re setting healthy boundaries, improving your communication, and taking more control of your own life. Over time and with a little practice, assertiveness can begin to feel more natural and will be easier to add into your life. So, let’s roll up our sleeves and learn more about this skill and how we can use it to make our lives (and relationships) even better.
Why is it so hard to be assertive?
On paper, saying what you mean sounds simple. But, let’s be real, when you’re in the moment and looking at the person you have to say what you mean to, you can suddenly become very agreeable.
Let’s look at some common reasons why people may struggle with assertiveness:
Fear of conflict: Many people don’t want to upset others or start an argument.
Desire to please: Many people prioritize making others happy over focusing on their own needs.
Cultural or societal norms: Some cultures and societies teach people, especially women, to be accommodating rather than outspoken.
Lack of practice: Many people don’t have experience in speaking up for themselves. If you’ve rarely done it, being assertive can feel so hard and overwhelming.
Being assertive vs being aggressive
When someone tells you to be assertive, it’s so common to feel worried that you’ll come across as aggressive. But assertiveness is about balance not dominance. It’s about confidently empowering yourself while also trying to be respectful of the other person.
It’s easy to confuse assertiveness with aggression though. Here’s a helpful breakdown:
When you’re assertive – You’re expressing your feelings, and needs in a clear, respectful way. You’re standing up for yourself but also respecting the rights and feelings of the other person.
Example: If a friend asks for a favor you can’t handle, you could say, “Ugh, I wish I could help, but I can’t. I’m really overwhelmed right now.”
When you’re aggressive – You try to control or overpower others to get what you want. It disregards the other person’s feelings and can come across as rude, demanding, and hurtful.
Example: “I don’t have time for your problems. You’ll have to figure it out yourself.” This aggressive response could damage the relationship.
Passive communication and passive-aggressive communication are two other styles that people can confuse. Here’s a helpful breakdown of these two approaches:
When you passively communicate – You avoid expressing your needs entirely to keep the peace or avoid conflict. This is the opposite of both assertiveness and aggression.
Example: Saying “Sure, I’ll help,” after a friend asks you for help even though you’re overwhelmed and stressed which could lead to resentment down the line.
When you passive aggressively communicate – You express yourself in indirect ways like sarcasm and guilt-tripping.
Example: “I guess I’ll help you again, since no one else ever does.” This may avoid conflict, but could still create tension
7 benefits of being assertive
It’s easy to think that assertiveness is just about setting boundaries. But really it’s about finding the confidence to stick up for yourself. Once you start doing this, you’re going to see positive changes in your relationships, mental health, and overall sense of wellbeing. Here are seven benefits of being assertive:
Better relationships: When you clearly communicate, this helps you build trust and respect.
Reduced stress: When you say no because you need to, this helps prevent you from feeling overcommitted, overwhelmed, and burned out.
Increased confidence: When you speak up for yourself, you feel more empowered.
Improved problem-solving: When you address issues directly, this leads to quicker and better solutions.
Greater self-respect: When you’re assertive, you remind others that you’re putting your self-care first and that your feelings and time are valuable.
Better physical health: When you don’t address your emotions, this can lead to physical health issues like high blood pressure. Do yourself a solid, and express those feelings.
More fulfilling interactions: When you share your true thoughts, this can lead to deeper connections and more meaningful interactions.
How to be more assertive: 10 tips to be clear and confident
If you’re new to being assertive, it can feel a little uncomfortable when you first speak up for yourself. It’s new, and new can be scary. Everything takes time though, so make it easy on yourself and start small. Focus on your progress and try not to get mad at yourself if you can’t immediately ace this new skill.
Here are 10 tips that can help make it easier to become more assertive:
1. Know your rights and values
Take some time to think about your values and priorities, that way you’ll be able to know what’s most important to you. When you know what matters, it makes it so much easier to stand up for yourself.
Give yourself a pep talk and remind yourself that you have the right to express your thoughts, set boundaries, and make decisions for your own wellbeing.
💙 Explore the Daily Jay’s session on Self-Esteem vs. Self Worth to get clear on what you want.
2. Practice saying no when the stakes are low
Saying no isn’t selfish. It’s actually necessary. There is absolutely nothing wrong with prioritizing yourself.
If someone asks you to take on something you can’t or don’t want to do, politely but firmly say no. You could say, “I’d love to help, but I just don’t have the time or mental space right now.” If this is new to you, practice having boundaries and saying no when the stakes are low (here are 30 ways to do it nicely). Then, if you have to say no when a situation is more charged, you’ll be more comfortable.
3. Use “I” statements to express yourself
“I” statements are a great way to express yourself without sounding like you’re on the attack. They put the focus on your feelings and needs rather than blaming the other person.
To keep a conversation respectful and productive, you could say something like, “I feel unheard when my ideas aren’t considered.” Steer clear of saying “You never listen to me.”
4. Start small to build confidence
Being assertive can feel like a lot, so make it a bit more manageable on yourself and start with lower stakes situations. Slowly build your confidence and then try to take on bigger situations, little by little.
An easy place to start would be saying where you’d like to eat if you’re making dinner plans with friends.
💙 Boost your Confidence during this Daily Calm session with Tamara Levitt.
5. Pay attention to your body language
Make your body language match the clarity and assertiveness of your words. Here’s five ways to do that:
Stand tall
Maintain steady eye contact (If you feel like you’re lacking in this department, here are nine ways to improve your gaze)
Use a calm and confident tone
Avoid slouching
Don’t cross your arms (so you don’t come across as uncertain or defensive)
6. Set clear boundaries to protect your mental wellbeing
Boundaries protect your time, energy, and mental health. Don’t be afraid to let people know what you can and cannot do, and hold strong to those limits.
If a co-worker texts at 9pm, here’s a boundary you could try. You could either not respond at all, because it’s after (usual) work hours. Or, you could say something like, “I’m recharging and turning off my brain right now, but I’ll respond first thing tomorrow at work!”
💙 To help get you in the right mental space, try listening to Jeff Warren’s A Secret To Better Boundaries.
7. Practice having challenging conversations
Difficult conversations are going to happen from time to time. When they do come up, try to plan ahead so you can stay a little more calm and focused. Think about what you want to say and how you want to say it. Maybe even rehearse your talking points in your head or with a friend. It might even help to practice in the mirror.
Don’t be hard on yourself if it gets emotional. Emotions are a natural part of life.
8. Stay calm under pressure
It’s completely normal to get nervous when you assert yourself, especially when you’re first doing it. And if you find yourself in a situation where things start to get heated, keep in mind that you can always take some deep breaths, speak slowly, and remind yourself that you can pause and come back to the topic if you need a break.
9. Use positive self-talk
Your feelings and opinions are valid, and it’s okay to advocate for them. Instead of saying “I can’t do this,” replace that with “I deserve to speak up for myself.” Repeat this to yourself if you start to doubt yourself.
And if you’re still doubting yourself, here are 12 ways to help believe in yourself.
10. Seek support if needed
Don’t beat yourself up if being assertive still feels too hard for you. If so, maybe reach out to a therapist. A professional could give you the specific tools you need to help get you over the assertiveness hump.
How to be assertive FAQs
Why do I struggle to be assertive?
Assertiveness can feel hard and unnatural, especially if you’re new to it. But we all struggle with sticking up for ourselves. Be patient with yourself. Assertiveness is a skill you develop over time.
Awareness is the first step in helping you to overcome struggling with assertiveness. Here are six reasons why you might be finding it difficult:
You have a fear of conflict, rejection, or being judged.
You grew up in an environment where speaking up was discouraged.
You have a desire to please, and often at your own expense.
You have low self-esteem or self-doubt.
You have social anxiety.
You have past bad experiences of speaking up for yourself.
How can I be firm but not rude?
It’s so normal to worry that by being firm in what we want, we’re somehow being mean or rude. But it’s possible to kindly speak up for ourselves while remaining respectful of the other person’s feelings.
Try focusing on using “I” statements like, “I’d like to finish what I’m saying before you move on,” instead of “You’re always interrupting me.” By phrasing it like this, you’re allowing yourself to express your needs without making the other person feel attacked.
Also, pay attention to your tone of voice. Try to keep it steady and calm and try to avoid sarcasm, raising your voice, or using words that might come across as dismissive.
How can I practice assertiveness in the workplace?
Being assertive at work can be nervewracking. It’s easy to be concerned that your co-workers or boss might construe you sticking up for yourself as being difficult. But assertiveness just means making sure your voice is heard and setting boundaries in a clear and kind way.
If someone asks you to take on more than you can handle, you could say something like, “I’d love to help, but I’m currently at my limit. Can we come back to this later?” This shows that you’re professional but also that you’re prioritizing your limits.
Also when you’re in meetings, try to share your thoughts, even if they’re different from everyone else's. You could say, “I see where you’re coming from, but I’d like to add another perspective.” This shows that you’re thoughtful without coming across as in your face or confrontational.
What are the risks of being too assertive?
It’s possible to overdo assertiveness and come across as aggressive or unbalanced. Try not to push too hard and ignore other people’s feelings. If you do, you could damage your relationships.
Pay attention to how your assertiveness is coming off. If it creates tension, consider taking a step back and changing up your approach. Here are a five factors to keep in mind so you don’t become too assertive:
Be mindful so that your words and actions are received in the way you intend.
Pay attention to your body language and tone.
Be open to feedback, especially if someone feels you’re being too forceful.
Consider other perspectives so you don’t make others feel dismissed.
Be empathetic and willing to find common ground.
What are some examples of assertive communication?
We all want to be assertive but also not go too far and end up hurting someone’s feelings. The goal should be to express ourselves in a way that feels good to us while also respecting the people around us. Being assertive is a skill. So, the more we practice, the more natural it’ll become for us.
Here are three examples to help us practice using assertive communication:
If someone asks you to take on extra work and you’re already overwhelmed, try saying, “I’d like to help, but I need to focus on current priorities. Could we explore other options?”
If a friend keeps canceling plans last-minute, try saying, “I love hanging out with you, but it’s hard for me to adjust when plans change at the last second. Could we commit to a time that works for both of us?”
If someone interrupts you during a meeting, try saying, “I’d like to finish my thought, and then I’d love to hear your input.”
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