15 tips for being a supportive parent-in-law for your kid’s spouse

Relationships

Oct 23

Written By Calm Editorial Team

Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA

Want to be a more supportive parent-in-law? These 15 tips make it easier to build trust, respect boundaries, and create harmony with your son- or daughter-in-law.

When your child gets married, your family dynamic can shift pretty dramatically. Maybe your new son-in-law or daughter-in-law balances out your relatives and makes every function more fun — or maybe they don't fit in at all, and it's downright awkward. Either way, you’ll find yourself in a complicated role that you never actually signed up for: parent-in-law.

Being a parent-in-law can be deeply rewarding, but it also comes with unspoken challenges. You want to protect your relationship with your child while making their partner feel included, but there may also be moments of tension. You might find yourself at odds over traditions, parenting styles, or even the simple fact that your child’s loyalty is no longer to you.

Here’s the reassuring part: A little friction doesn’t mean you’ve failed. These relationships are complex by nature, and most families experience growing pains along the way. What matters more is how you navigate them.

Here are some practical ways to strengthen your bond with your son- or daughter-in-law and build a relationship based on trust, healthy boundaries, and small gestures that show you care.

What makes a good parent-in-law (mother-in-law or father-in-law)?

Every family has stories about toxic in-laws, but research shows you’re not necessarily doomed to have a troubled relationship. When in-laws show warmth and respect, couples report greater marital satisfaction and fewer conflicts.

But what qualities make a parent-in-law stand out in the best way? Here are five:

Empathy: Try to see situations through your son- or daughter-in-law’s eyes. Small gestures and reassuring comments can help solidify your bond.
Respect: Recognize that your child and their partner are now the primary decision-makers in their home. Supporting that autonomy builds trust and goodwill.
Flexibility: Be willing to adapt, whether it’s adjusting holiday traditions, handling parenting differences, or giving space when needed.
Encouragement: Celebrate your child’s partner for who they are. Genuine appreciation can go a long way.
Boundaries with warmth: A good parent-in-law knows how to step back without shutting down. To create balance, be present but not overbearing.

None of this means you need to suppress who you really are. Your goal is to connect — not control. When your child’s partner feels genuinely welcomed, family life gets lighter and more joyful for everyone.

Why tension happens (and why it’s normal)

Even in the most loving families, some strain between parents-in-law and a child’s spouse is normal. Researchers describe in-law ties as among the most “stress-prone” relationships because you don’t choose each other. You’re linked by your love for the same person. Here are some of the main reasons tension shows up:

Transitions: Marriage, moving in together, or raising children reshape family roles. Parents may feel a sense of loss, and a partner may feel pressure to prove themselves.

Generational differences: From money management to parenting styles, your ways of doing things may not match theirs. Different doesn’t always mean wrong.

Traditions and expectations: Holidays, family routines, and cultural practices can create unspoken tug-of-wars.

Unclear boundaries: Without open communication, it’s easy for both sides to misinterpret involvement as interference.

Seeing these moments as signs of growth rather than indications of failure helps. Tension simply means the family is adjusting. When you respond with patience (and don’t take things personally), it becomes much easier to find common ground.

15 tips to be a supportive parent-in-law to your child’s spouse

Becoming a parent-in-law is its own adjustment. You want to stay close to your child while making space for their new partnership, which isn’t always straightforward. The following tips focus on small, thoughtful ways to support your child’s spouse — without overstepping.

1. Treat them as their own person, not an extension of your child

Use their name. Ask about their family, work, and interests. Signal respect with simple lines like, “I’m so excited to get to know you, not just as Alex’s partner, but as you.”

2. Ask before advising

If your child’s partner comes to you with a problem, ask, “Do you want ideas or just a listening ear?” If they want input, offer one or two options — then step back. This shows you honor their autonomy, which is important.

💙 How you provide guidance has a big impact on how it’s received. Jay Shetty explores this concept in his Offering Advice meditation.

3. Offer help with clear opt-outs

Make it easy for your daughter- or son-in-law to accept or decline invitations and offers to help. You might say: “I can do school pickup on Thursdays for the next month if that helps, but if not, that’s okay too!” Being specific can help reduce pressure and cut back on awkward misunderstandings.

4. Step back during major transitions

New baby at home? First house? Career shift? These are times when emotions run high and space matters. Make specific offers for what you can do to help, but also remember to be patient. Send a gift certificate for a food delivery service instead of showing up unannounced with a casserole.

5. Be inclusive by adapting your traditions

Holidays can be especially fraught, especially if your traditions don’t align with your child-in-law’s. Be as open and flexible as you can. For example, you might consider adapting your Christmas Eve dinner menu to include some of your son- or daughter-in-law’s favorite dishes.

6. Avoid comparing your experiences with theirs (in a negative way)

Everyone loves a compliment. Swap “I’ve always done it this way…” for “I’ve never tasted a cake like the one you made for dessert — it was incredible!” Comparisons trigger defensiveness, but specific praise builds goodwill.

7. Keep expectations realistic

Not every visit will feel smooth, and that’s okay. Instead of aiming for perfect harmony, look for progress: are you learning how to communicate better, or bouncing back faster after small missteps? Relationships grow in layers, and expecting ups and downs keeps disappointment at bay.

8. Set and honor practical boundaries

Confirm visit times, length, and roles upfront: “We’d love to stop by 2–4 pm and were planning to bring snacks for everyone. Anything off-limits for the kids?” Healthy boundaries protect closeness long-term.

9. Follow the parents’ playbook with the grandkids

Whatever your views on sleep, snacks, or screens, mirror the parents’ rules when you’re in charge. If you disagree, raise it privately and once, then respect their call.

10. Give money and gifts without strings

If you’re helping, be explicit: “This is a gift — use it however you need.” If it’s a loan or has conditions, put it in writing to prevent resentment later. And of course, always ask before making big purchases for the kids.

11. Handle hot topics with guardrails

If politics, religion, or parenting philosophies get heated, try saying something like: “I care about our relationship more than this debate. I’m going to step back from this topic today.”

12. Repair quickly after a misstep

If you have a disagreement with your daughter- or son-in-law, offer a sincere apology. (Here are a some thoughtful ways to do that.) Also, be sure to contact them directly. A calm phone call beats a text on the family text chat.

💙 Tamara Levitt’s Relationship with Others series has meditations about arguments and de-escalating conflicts that can help you navigate tough times.

13. Build small, steady touchpoints

A monthly check-in, a birthday card that mentions their latest win at work, or a quick “thinking of you” text after a big week — micro-connections create a sense of belonging over time.

14. Protect their privacy

Don’t pry about sensitive topics (like babies) and avoid sharing the couple’s news before they do. This is how you build trust.

15. Invest in your own life, too

A strong relationship with your child’s partner doesn’t mean centering your world around them. Nurture your friendships, hobbies, and community so your joy isn’t dependent on access to their household. The more balanced you feel outside the family, the easier it is to enjoy your time together.

Parents-in-law FAQs

What should I avoid saying to my daughter-in-law or son-in-law?

Comparisons, criticism, and unsolicited advice are rarely appreciated. Phrases like “We did it this way when you were kids…” or “Why don’t you try…” can sound dismissive even when you mean well. Questions about money, fertility, or parenting choices can also feel intrusive.

Instead, focus on encouragement and curiosity — ask how things are going and listen without jumping in with fixes. If you need extra tips, here are eight ways to have meaningful interactions.

What if I don’t agree with how my child’s partner parents?

Differences in parenting styles are almost inevitable. Unless you see something that puts a child’s safety at risk, it’s usually best to respect their choices.

If the issue is important to you, bring it up calmly and privately one time, then let it go. Repeatedly challenging their decisions won’t go well — and your support will matter far more than whether bedtime looks exactly the way you wish it did.

How do I handle feeling left out as a parent-in-law?

It’s natural to miss the closeness you once had with your child. Instead of pushing for more time, try sharing your feelings gently with them — something like, “I’d love to connect more. What’s a good way for us to do that?”

Also, build connections outside of their household. Having your own friendships, hobbies, or routines helps ease the sting of exclusion and makes your presence with family feel like a choice, not a demand.

Can you be too involved as a mother-in-law or father-in-law?

Yes, and often without realizing it. Constantly dropping by or offering unsolicited advice can feel overwhelming to a couple trying to build their own rhythm.

Instead, let your child and their partner set the pace of your involvement. If they ask for space, respect it. The steadier you are about boundaries, the more likely they’ll welcome your support when they truly need it.

How to be a good mother-in-law to my son's wife?

To be a good mother-in-law to your son’s wife, start by treating her as a partner. Welcome her as family, respect her role in decision-making, and avoid competing for influence.

Small gestures matter: Ask about her day, show interest in her passions, and give her the benefit of the doubt when conflicts arise. Being a good mother-in-law is less about grand gestures and more about steady, everyday respect.

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Calm Editorial Team