What is ambivalence? Plus, 10 tips for making clearer decisions

Personal Growth

Oct 23

Written By Calm Editorial Team

Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA

Ambivalence is the pull between conflicting choices. We'll explore the different types of ambivalence, why it happens, and 10 tips to help you start making clearer decisions.

Ambivalence is a common part of the human experience — it’s that coexistence of opposing feelings, thoughts, or desires toward a single goal. It shows up when you want change but fear what it might bring, or when you care deeply about someone and still feel frustrated with them.

Maybe you’re very much in love with your partner, but you also want personal space. Or you’ve just gotten a job offer that you really wanted, but the thought of leaving your current team makes you want to cry. This uncomfortable tug in two directions can leave you spinning in place. But rather than being a flaw in a person’s emotional design, ambivalence often reflects the complexity of personal values and circumstances. It’s a signal that multiple truths can exist at once, each deserving recognition.

While the push-pull can feel frustrating, there are ways to work with it and help you get more in touch with your emotions. So if you’re feeling stuck, here’s what you need to know about ambivalence, plus some mindful steps that can help you move forward with kindness.

What is ambivalence?

Ambivalence is the experience of holding two opposing feelings, thoughts, or desires about the same situation at the same time. The term comes from the Latin “ambi,” which means both, and “valentia,” which means strength or power.

Many people get neutrality and ambivalence confused, but they’re not the same. Neutrality is the absence of a strong preference, whereas ambivalence is the experience of feeling equally pulled toward both sides. Ambivalence doesn't mean that you don’t care. It means that you care too much in both directions and now feel stuck. This can leave you confused and exhausted, especially when the stakes feel high.

Think of experiences like feeling both drawn to fast food and also committed to healthy eating. Or feeling ready for a new challenge while still craving the comfort of routine. These moments might feel aggravating, but they’re simply a sign that you have two meaningful priorities that are competing for your attention.

3 types of ambivalence

Psychologists typically describe ambivalence in terms of emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. And they often feed into one another. Here’s how these types can show up in your life:

1. Emotional ambivalence: Feeling both excitement and dread the night before a big presentation is an example. Or feeling tenderness and irritation toward a close friend in the course of the same conversation.

2. Cognitive ambivalence: Believing that rest is essential for productivity but also thinking you “should” always be working is an example. It’s when your thoughts and beliefs are in conflict, like when you know a habit is healthy, but you convince yourself that it’s too inconvenient.

3. Behavioral ambivalence: Behavioral ambivalence is when your behavior mirrors the tension between intention and hesitation. It's like when you sign up for a gym membership, go for a week, and then avoid it altogether.

What are the root causes of ambivalence?

Feeling ambivalent is a natural psychological response that arises when competing priorities, fears, or values collide. Here are six of the most common causes of ambivalence:

Conflicting values: Valuing independence but also craving closeness, or wanting stability while also seeking adventure.
Fear of loss: Choosing one path often means letting go of another. Even positive change, like taking a promotion, can stir up a lot of grief for what’s left behind.
Uncertainty about outcomes: When the future feels unpredictable, both options can feel risky, as if you’re moving to a new city or considering a career change.
Relationship dynamics: Mixed feelings typically arise in close bonds, where love and frustration coexist, or where fear of vulnerability collides with the desire for connection.
Life transitions and identity shifts: Major changes, like becoming a parent or retiring, bring both gains and losses. This can naturally spark ambivalence.

How to resolve ambivalence: 10 tips to help you make clearer decisions

Being torn between two options can feel uncomfortable, but it can also open space for reflection. And if an inability to choose feels like a personal failing, try to reframe that. There’s nothing wrong with you if you’re feeling ambivalent — it’s just a reflection of your inner complexity. A signal that both paths mean a lot to you.

Here are 10 tips to make more confident decisions.

1. Name both sides clearly

Take a moment to write two columns titled “part of me wants…” and “part of me worries…” You could write, “Part of me wants to accept the offer for growth. Part of me worries I’ll lose flexibility.”

Doing this allows you to see both sides on paper, which can lower the emotional volume and give you language for what’s really going on.

2. Clarify your values, then score options

When you’re making choices, like choosing a vacation destination or a career path, list your top 3–5 values, like health, learning, stability, and connection. Then score each choice option 1–5 on how well it serves each value, and total the scores.

Values can act like a compass when feelings are loud and confusing.

3. Use a decisional balance

Create a 2×2 table that has pros of change, cons of change, pros of staying the same, and cons of staying the same. Then review it and underline anything that feels authentic to you. Or anything that sounds like your own reasons for meaningful change.

💙 Get in a better mindset to make a choice by listening to Decide, Don’t Slide with Jay Shetty.

4. Test it out for a bit

Instead of choosing once-and-for-all, try a pilot program to test out the new routine for two weeks.

If you’re considering moving, you could do a weekend trial in the new neighborhood. Or if you’re considering a different job, you could ask to shadow for three hours one day. This helps convert “what ifs” into data, which can calm your nervous system and help clarify your preferences.

5. Write if–then plans

Turn intentions into cues and actions with an if-then plan strategy. Breaking it down into simple steps can help you increase follow-through with your goals.

Try something like, “If it’s 7:30pm, then I’ll review my offer notes for 15 minutes.” or “If I catch myself doom-scrolling when I’m anxious about this decision, then I’ll text a friend my two options and get their advice.”

6. Try WOOP (wish–outcome–obstacle–plan)

This tool combines mental contrasting with if–then planning and has evidence for improving goal progress.

Here’s an example of how to use it:

Wish: “Pick a direction on the job offer.”
Outcome: “Feel focused and confident.”
Obstacle (internal): “Fear of losing my work–life balance.”
Plan: “If I notice that fear, then I’ll check my must-have boundaries and draft a counteroffer.”

💙 Take a moment to get centered with your choices by listening to Indecision with Tamara Levitt.

7. Defuse sticky thoughts

When anxiety spikes through rumination, remind yourself that you’re just having a thought. Try adding the prefix: “I’m having the thought that…” in front of the scary thought or idea.

You might say, “I’m having the thought that… I’ll ruin my career,” instead of just thinking, “I’m ruining my career.” This separates you from the scary thought, helping you make choices based on values rather than fear.

8. Limit options and time

Too many choices typically intensify ambivalence. So cap yourself at three options and give yourself a modest time box, like 30 minutes, to compare only what matters, like values and deal-breakers.

It also helps to have default rules like “If two options tie, choose the simpler one,” or “choose the option that best serves my top value.”

9. Borrow a brain

Ask a friend or therapist to reflect with you. Prompt them with questions like, “Based on what you’ve heard, what values do you hear me protecting?” or “What trade-off sounds most livable for me?”

When you externalize the decision, it reduces pressure and helps you see patterns or behaviors of yours that you may miss.

10. Prepare for the wobble

After deciding, expect mixed feelings. To prepare for this, you could write a short “why I chose this” note to future-you.

You could also make a first-week checklist, tell one supportive person, and schedule a micro-reward, like a walk or making your favorite meal.

What is ambivalence FAQs

What are some common examples of ambivalence?

Ambivalence can show up in a lot of different ways. You could feel torn about staying in a relationship you care deeply about, but worry that it isn’t meeting your needs. You may wrestle with wanting to take a promotion for the growth opportunities while still being afraid of the added stress.

Another common example is ordering dessert while also wanting to eat healthier. Even a small moment like this shows that two opposing but meaningful desires can exist side by side.

Is ambivalence the same as indecision?

Indecision is the inability to make a choice. It’s the outcome of being stuck. Ambivalence, on the other hand, is the emotional experience underneath that indecision. It’s the simultaneous pull of “I want this” and “I don’t want this.”

In other words, ambivalence often fuels indecision. But you can also feel ambivalent and still make a choice if you’re able to work through the conflict.

What causes ambivalence in relationships?

Relationships are fertile ground for ambivalence because they stir up strong and sometimes competing emotions. You may love someone and enjoy their company, but also feel frustrated by not getting your needs met or having differences in priorities.

Fear of vulnerability, past experiences with conflict, or uncertainty about long-term compatibility can all play a role. It’s also common for ambivalence to surface during transitions, like moving in together or navigating a breakup. Because during these moments, both loss and growth are on the table.

How can I resolve ambivalence without overthinking?

Bring structure to your reflection so you don’t spiral into endless “what ifs.” Writing down both sides of the conflict can help you see patterns more clearly. Plus, grounding techniques, like pausing for a few deep breaths or doing a brief body scan, can help quiet your racing thoughts enough to let your values guide you.

You can also talk it through with a trusted friend or therapist to gain perspective and keep you anchored in action rather than endless analysis.

Is ambivalence always a bad thing?

Not at all. Ambivalence can feel uncomfortable, but it’s also a sign that something important is at stake. In fact, it can draw your attention to competing needs. If you have ambivalence about a job, this may mean you have a deeper need for balance, or you have a creativity that you’ve been ignoring.

In general, short-term ambivalence can be a healthy signal that you’re weighing your options carefully. And sometimes, it’s just the pause you need before making a meaningful shift.

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Calm Editorial Team